A few years ago, I started collecting some of the more outlandish and (at least to me) amusing email subject lines from the many thousands of spam emails I received promoting various 'solutions' related to my private parts.
It takes a certain twisted creative genius to make your spam message stand out from the rest. And whoever wrote these gems certainly has mad talent, at least by spammer standards. Sometimes the writing is clever. Sometimes it is accidentally funny. And sometimes it's just plain bizarre.
Here are 10 of my all-time favourites:
1. "Small friend is for hiding, big friend is for showing off."
Even if the product they are pitching works as promised, I still don't think I would be walking around the neighbourhood showing off the results.
2. "The hard friend in your pants will look up into the sky."
Thanks, but I would prefer it if my friends stayed out of my pants.
3. "Men will see your power in every public shower."
If they did, wouldn't I be arrested?
4. "Who doesn't love a big gun in the pants."
Isn't that what holsters are for?
5. "Make your love torpedo drive all the way to her tanker."
Maybe I missed that SexEd class, but I'm not entirely clear on where I would find a woman's tanker.
6. "Transform from a grass snake to a python."
Have you ever seen a python? Ick!
7. "Make your man's carrot grow."
What the heck are they selling, fertilizer?
8. "To the stars your manhood flies when you are happy with your size."
This writer's a poet and they don't even know it.
9. "We can make your man's volcano erupt like a famous Etna!"
Lava. Fire. Smoke. Thanks, but I can do without those in the bedroom.
10. "Put your doughnut in her oven."
If my 'thing' looks like a doughnut, I should see a doctor.
I hope the days of the spammer are numbered. Until then, at least we have can enjoy a good laugh at their expense.